The GA Guinn Trips

Divorce Sucks! There's no other way around it! I always struggle with how much to address on this blog since it is public and the world can see, but since this is my version of the girl’s baby book and the divorce is a part of their life, so I feel like I should address it here.

Over a year ago, my world fell apart when Frank and I separated. Feelings were hurt. Hearts were broken. Anger was everywhere. I shut my emotions down and turned off to survive. It was easier than feeling the hurt that was all around me. But still I hurt. I cried more times than I didn't. I yearned constantly for my children to not be separated from me, and I was constantly worried about where they were and what they were being exposed too. I didn't sleep, and eventually I got sick and felt like I was losing my mind at times. We divorced in October and at that point, I reached my lowest and ended up in the hospital. While hospitalized, I found out I had celiac and slowly began to feel better as my diet got better. (Please note that this is only my personal feelings, Frank has his own and he has his own perspective of what happened...)

Frank made some changes in his life around the end of Jan. He began calling more in February; it wasn't something that was planned. It was just a small thing. We talked about small things: the girls, work, his plans for the house, and my growing dislike of my job. After a while, we both realized that we were becoming friends again. Frank asked me one day if I was willing to go back to counselling with him. I am not sure why, but I agreed. And so began the next chapter in our lives.

We did not take this step lightly. We both have issues that we are working on. I am not going into this with blinders on. Trust is something we are hoping to rebuild. We are not sure where this road will lead us. It may be a train wreck. It may be the best thing that ever happened. But where ever we end up, at the end of the day, we can look our children in the eyes and tell them that we didn't just break up their family without trying. We are committed to coming out at the other end of this as FRIENDS. We are working with our counsellor to make sure our girls are okay through all of this. I don't have blinders on, and I am NOT stupid, but are my kids worth me trying one more time? YES! A RESOUNDING YES! Some people have asked why I wasn't willing to try before this and honestly, I was too angry, too hurt, and too shut down to even begin to be open to forgiveness, but between being sick and the changes I have made to make myself feel better, I have realized that I can forgive....

We are not asking for support. We are not asking for our families to accept this. We are not asking for anything other than time. Time to let us work through this. We know that many people don't understand. We understand that many people will think we are crazy. But we are committed to trying this and what happens is being left in GOD'S hands. He knows my heart. He knows Frank's heart. He knows what will happen and for once in my life, I am attempting to NOT lean on my own understanding and allowing him to direct my path!

I have a few things weighing on my mind and would love some prayers and postive thoughts. 

One Alyssa is sick again with her second double ear infection in a month...She is starting her third week of Antibotics.  Because of this, we can't get her the Flu shot, and now she is on an oral steriod which weakens her immune system.  We are keeping her home from school (which is heartbreaking) and isolating her as much as possible until she is done with these meds. 

Aunt Ginger and Aunt Suzy are both having health issues that need prayers. We love you both and we pray daily for you girls to get better very SOON!

My Aunt Teal is doing better after her heart attack, but she is still in rehab and wants to get home soon! 

Frank's Aunt Marcella is battling cancer and needs prayers for healing. 

I have been given until Jan to complete my comps and make them better.  It is heartbreaking to have to do this, but I know I need the time.  I am really depressed about it, but I will make it through.  School has always been easy for me and I am finally to a point that its NOT easy.  Its SO HARD!  I just don't know if I am smart enough to do this!  I've got to get my mojo going on and do this.  I've got to ask for help!

Finally, Frank takes his practicals for his paramedic on Saturday.  He is a nervous wreck, but I know he will do great!  And at least he can learn from me and if he doesn't make it the first time, you just keep going!   

Why is such a little word.  It's one of the first questions that children learn to ask.  Why is the sky blue?  Why do fish live in water? 

Eventually, the why begins to change.  Why do I have to do my homework?  Why can't I go out with my friend?  Why can't I get a tattoo? 

It's part of growing up.  And yet there is one why that people should never learn.  And that WHY is the hardest one to learn!  Why do children have to die? 

Tonight, Brody, my sister's student, went to walk in heaven with God.  He is a little boy who was a fighter.  At two, he was diagnosed with mitochondrial disease.  He had to have a transplant, but with his rare blood type, that made a transplant very unlikely.  I only got to know Brody through my sister.  I attended the fundraiser with the triplets for Brody.  He was so full of spunk!  And the stories, my sister would bring home of Brody always put a smile on my face.  His mom, Kristi, was amazing and kept everyone up to date on Brody through his carepage. She was a single mom, who managed to keep everything together for Brody's brothers and manage Brody's care.  And she ALWAYS had HOPE!  HOPE for Brody to have something better!

Sandra and Brody

I HATE this WHY?  I hate knowing that a family is grieving because a little one was taken too soon!  

It is HORRIBLE that children have to die!  I have seen way too many in the last few years!  I grieve for these parents and PRAY I am never in their position!  Why did Brody have to die?  Why did Zoe Rose have to go before him?  Why did Jaxon, Courtney, and Collin all have to leave their mom's arms? 

These whys will never be answered on earth.  I can just hug my girls closer tonight and remember everyday that we are not promised one moment more on this earth than we have lived.  We can find a strength that we never knew existed to go forward and use these struggles to motivate change. 

If Kiera did not lose Zoe would she have founded the Zoe Rose Memorial Foundation?  Not likely

Would Rachel have started Triplet Butterfly Wings and make the amazing burial wraps that she does, without the loss of her butterflies?  Again no! 

(Even though, I know they would trade all the amazing work they have done for one more millisecond with their babies!)

But the hard work of these brave women and their families stems for their need to know that their little ones are remembered and to see something wonderful come out of something so tragic! 

And we do remember! 

Every time I see a ladybug, I think of Zoe.  I remember her mother, her sisters, her father!  The video of Zoe learning to chew still makes my heart melt!  When I find a ladybug inside my house, I will take it outside, point it north and tell the little bug, "Go visit Keira or Lily, or Avery.  They need to see you!"

Every time a butterfly lands near me, my heart remembers Jaxon, Courtney, and Collin!  I remember the beautiful pictures Rachel shared with the world as her little ones fought to live. I can't see a butterfly without thinking of them. 

And now, sadly I must remember Brody!  Red Power Rangers were his thing!  He loved them.  So when I see a red power ranger (or heck any red ninja (because, forgive me Brody, I'm not that good with power rangers!)  I will remember Brody!  I will lift up his family in prayers!  I will remember! 

I will REMEMBER all the things their families have shared through their web pages, stories, and emails!  Whether I am friends with the family, whether I am just an acquaintance, or whether I have only ever followed them on the Internet!  I WILL REMEMBER! 

Yesterday, we made the heartbreaking decision to let James Dean suffering end and let him go home to be with GOD! 

James Dean has been apart of our family since before it began.  He was my engagement present from Frank 12 years ago!  He has traveled with me pretty much everywhere from the moment he was born!  I have never had a dog that travelled as easy as James Dean did.  He would settle onto his pillow for the entire ride. 

He was our baby before we had the girls.  He was Frank's little man!  Mr. Poley and JD were ice cream buddies!  He was Nana's shadow after the girls came. 

He was amazing with the girls.  He was the watcher when they were first home and infants.  He would run up to me if they started crying and look at me like "why aren't you getting the babies?"   He was their playmate and entertainment as they aged.  They would crawl after James Dean when they learned to crawl.  He was the hoover pickup dog after they started eating "real" food!  I think this was his favorite thing about having the triplets!  He gained a good 4 pounds after the girls started eating real food!

He was a blast on his birthday, July 4th!  Unlike other dogs who were deathly afraid of fireworks!  JD LOVED them!  He would get so excited and bark until he lost his voice!  We did have to keep a tight hold on him though, because he would try to get to the fireworks!

He was our "Little Man" or "Big Man."  Depending on the moment!  He loved to play with Audi and Trinity!  He loved to go on walks and play with his cow!  He had OCD tendencies!  If he had a tennis ball that was his, and you took 100 other tennis balls that looked exactly the same and put them in the room, he would always go back to HIS ball! 

Forever Loved, and Forever Missed! 

James Dean Guinn

So today we embarked on a new time in the girls’ life: extended individual time. Daddy decided to take Issy to the beach by herself! She is going to be gone away from Momma, Nana, and her sisters for 9 WHOLE DAYS! She has been away from me or Nana for extended times, but if I was gone Nana was there and vice-a-versa. The girls have NEVER been apart for more than a day or so.

We have been talking to her about it for weeks. Letting her know that she is going with Daddy to the beach. She is gonna see Grandma and Grandpa Guinn. She is going to go swimming and play in the sand.

She seemed to be really excited! I was really excited, because this individual time is something that I feel that the girls (especially Issy) needs and craves. I often say she is a singleton trapped in the family of triplets! So this morning at 4:30 in the morning, I loaded her and Frank into the truck and they headed to the beach.

She apparently napped for a grand total of 20 minutes on the way down (which I knew, but her daddy did not believe me!). She had a meltdown in the truck in the last hour, but it was because Daddy did not realize that she needs to eat before 12:30!

Issy seems to be having a BLAST! I called about 20 times today! And I am relieved that she is doing so well.

Makenna and Alyssa, however, are not doing as well! Alyssa broke down in tears when I let her talk to Issy on the phone. Makenna woke up asking for Issy. It’s like they can't find her and they DON'T like it!

Yet, we did some fun things today to help them. I went to the CPOMC consignment sale and bought the girls so dress up cloths, a kitchen for their playhouse, 2 twin mattresses and box springs (Best buy for $65 dollars per set!), and a CASTLE! Well, once I got it home, Nana realized that the girls needed a Barbie to go with their castle. So we headed off to Toys R Us. There we got the girls each a princess Barbie (Alyssa got Sleeping Beauty, Makenna got Cinderella, and Issy got Snow White (although she doesn't know it yet)).

We also tried out carseats. I am SO torn on this. I am wavering between the Britax Frontier and the Graco Nautilus.

Pros and Cons

Frontier:

Pros

Higher height and weight limit in the 5 point harness (80 lbs and 53 inches). I don't think weight will be an issue, but height will be!

Wider seat and longer crotch strap.

Cons:

PRICE- When you are talking 3 carseats at $279 a pop that’s a TON of money!

I don't think the arm rests look comfortable

Nautilus.

Pros:

Cup holder

Love the pattern

Looks more comfortable

Price

Cons:

Height and Weight: Only 65 lbs in harness and height is below the Frontier

It has the odd cutouts on the armrests, which I know I'll be cleaning crap out of all the time!

It is narrower in the seat section.

I just can't DECIDE! I don't want to do like I did with the girls’ seats NOW! I bought the roundabouts, because they were cheaper (although the safest rear facing of all the britax), but if I had just went ahead and paid the extra money then and got the marathon or decathlon. Then I wouldn't have to be buying the seat now and could probably have gotten them to the point of just needing a booster at the end.

Oh well live and learn!

The girls, Frank, and I want to tell our Aunt Suzy to GET WELL SOON!!!! We know you will be feeling a ton better after you have your surgery!  We love you, so much!  PS:  You need to be completely well by the end of July so you can come to the beach with us!

Also, If you are a praying person, please keep my Aunt Judy in your prayers.  She just had a cancerous tumor removed from her colon.  It is really big and she now has to go and get chemo. 

Issy also had a little trip to the DR today.  Turns out her 102.9 fever is because of a viral infection and a bit of bacteria in her urine that they are sending off to see if it will grow.  So we are just rotating they Motrin and tylenol, and hoping that she gets better by monday, when we start swimming lessons.